oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
