i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes