My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
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Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.