He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
