my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
