So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
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He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
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i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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