I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
