Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
