there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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