Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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