Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
