# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
