What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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