I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
