my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think people are normalizing furries
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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