Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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