So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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