He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Who died my cat blue again?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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