Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
