I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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