Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My day in three words: secret purse cake
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
