the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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