I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
