2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
