Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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