I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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