I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
