I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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