I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
