if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
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I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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