drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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