sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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