Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
