Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
