I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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