i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
