Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
bring money and cleavage
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
