the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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