Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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