This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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