Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
