How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
