Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
