I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
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Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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