i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
