wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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