I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
