My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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