Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
