FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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