Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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