I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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