I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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