i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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