Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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