I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We talked him into tasing himself.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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