she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
