i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
